A Giant Leap: GPs and Confessions

I visited the GP a month ago and was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. He prescribed medication and suggested a referral for therapy, to which I agreed at once. I needed help. I’m no longer ashamed to admit that fact.

I need help.

Yesterday, I had a follow-up appointment.

Walking down to the local GP office was the easiest part. I felt fine. I wasn’t stressed. The fresh air and the endorphins from walking kept me distracted. I’m grateful for that. I might have become a complete mess a lot sooner and far more obviously, otherwise.

The weight of what I was going to do at the office didn’t start pressing down on me until I was sitting in the waiting room. Not even the phone clutched in my hand could distract me from the knowledge of what I planned to do. The note that sat between my phone and my palm burned in my grip.

I started to have a panic attack.

I cried in the waiting room.

Fortunately, I managed to be upset discreetly, but it was still humiliating to get so emotional in public. I hope no one noticed me wiping my face in the waiting room.

What saved me from a complete spiral were the people on the Merlin discord. People like Ona. They kept me from falling to pieces. I’m so grateful for their presence in my life. People like Ona were the ones who convinced me to see the GP in the first place. But no one pushed me to tell the GP what I told him yesterday; I made that choice of my own free will.

I knew I couldn’t say it out loud.

I wrote it down and handed it to him. I told him the household was toxic and emotionally abusive, and he believed me. I’m so relieved that he believed me. I was terrified that he wouldn’t because he knows the family, but he still believed me.

Knowing that he believed me was so liberating. I felt as though I could breathe easier when I left the GP office: a weight had lifted from my shoulders. I felt wonderful.

I felt drained soon after.

But that’s to be expected.

I did a scary thing, and I was brave. The friends I made in the Merlin fandom are proud of me. I’m proud of me. I’m so fucking proud of me. I took a huge step forward and it could be the turning point for my mental health.

I shall strive for a better tomorrow.