Frustrating Families – AKA: What The Hell Are Boundaries

I have to look after the nieces and nephews this weekend. Honestly, I’d rather curl up under the blankets and pretend the world doesn’t exist right now. I’m not having a great weekend so far.

Don’t get me wrong: I love the kids to bits and I like spending time with them. But I’m tired of being the one who gets “asked.”

It is expected that I look after the kids when Sibling A needs a sitter— more so now that I don’t have band obligations that require me elsewhere. (That is a discussion best left for a different time.) Previously, Sibling A would ask about availability, but now she just gives me the dates — as though it was an agreement made between us already, but it isn’t.

I don’t get much compensation for the effort it takes to look after the kids either. Sometimes I could be looking after the kids for 72 or 96 hours straight without a break and I’d receive a tenner.

A twenty, if I’m fortunate.

Sometimes I’m not compensated at all.

Fine. Finances are a finite resource and if necessary, I can deal with that. But it’s still frustrating, you know?

The other stuff is what fuels the anger and resentment I feel.

For example: there is an event that I want to go to next month. I’ve never been to the local fun weekend for women before and this is the first time an event during that weekend has sparked some interest from me. I feel like it would be a good experience for me because I don’t have a lot of opportunities to go out and have fun.

Unfortunately, I don’t know if I can attend the event because it’s scheduled for a weekend I’m supposed to be looking after the kids.

Sibling A could get a non-relative to come in and look after them with enough notice. But she is reluctant to do that because the person she’d ask if I wasn’t available has a kid of her own now. Admittedly, I can understand that reluctance. It is draining enough to be a mother 24/7 without adding other peoples’ kids into the mix.

But I have other sisters who could replace me now and then. Sibling B outright refuses all the damn time. And the other? Well! Sibling C gave me a look at the mere suggestion that she look after the kids for just a few hours — never mind the whole weekend. She hasn’t looked after the kids in forever and has never done so without another person to take half the responsibilities. Apparently, looking after three kids (the eldest of which can feed herself without issue and this isn’t even counting the eldest teenager) is too much for one person???

Granted: looking after children is tiring, but it is doable for a weekend. She gets to give them back at the end. She wouldn’t have to keep looking after them forever.

Whenever I express the growing anger and resentment I have over their sheer unwillingness to volunteer for childminding, The Grandmother — AKA Mom — doesn’t waste time in responding with remarks like “but Sibling B doesn’t have the temperament required and Sibling C has a lot of studies to do at the weekend.”

I can’t help asking: what was her excuse when Sibling C didn’t have those studies taking up her weekend? Those studies are a recent addition to her life. Previously, she’d just spend the weekend sitting on the couch and watching tv. Not to mention eating packets of sweets. She hasn’t been willing to look after the kids since the three of them were toddlers.

Sometimes the remark I hear is closer to: “but Sibling B/Sibling C are tired from working all week.”

I find this remark in particular to be insulting and inconsiderate. The fatigue I experience is seen as less than theirs just because I don’t have a job. I’m seen as having a lot of “free time” because I don’t have one. Fine. That remark is accurate to a certain degree.

But there are other things that affect me and which don’t affect Siblings B and C.

For example: Siblings B and C don’t have mental illnesses to contend with. Mental illnesses are something I have to deal with 24/7. Siblings B and C don’t have to deal with work 24/7.

Siblings B and C are tired.

I’m tired.

We’re all tired.

I feel like I’m being taken for granted. I feel like I’m not entitled to decline. And I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for feeling like that.

These children aren’t mine. I have a life outside of looking after them. The hours I spend looking after them shouldn’t be eating into the moments that give me happiness. I’m not required to look after them and I hate that these people don’t see that.

Last summer, I was gutted because I couldn’t go to the Bi+ picnic held during the weekend before Pride Week. I had to look after the kids instead and I didn’t have enough spoons to take the kids into town with me and be extra vigilant at the park because of all the What Ifs that could happen.

That incident was even more upsetting because it was the one Bi+ focused event around Pride Week and the Pride Committee weren’t even responsible for organising it. If the group I’m a member of hadn’t taken on the responsibility, bi+ people would have been otherwise ignored for that entire week.

So, I’ve decided that enough is enough. I’m not going to let them walk over me. I’m not going to let them treat me like this. No one should be expected to look after kids that aren’t theirs without even being asked first. I’m going to take some time to come up with some ground rules that I feel comfortable with and then I’m going to talk to them about it.

I might get shit from them for taking a stand against how I’m being treated…but I’ll have gained a new level of respect for myself. I think that’ll be worth it in the end.